Hi!
The last two days were full of excitement!!
Friday I had a bone scan (which showed nothing the first time). It takes about 20 minutes to get the full body scan and its completely silent in the room. It's sooo hard not to get in your head and think the worst. I kept telling myself that my tumor markers dropping were a great indicator that the treatment was working, but I was so worried that this could've gone completely south. But thankfully, this scan came back with nothing again this time! I'm so excited that this hasn't spread to my bones.
Yesterday I had a CT of my chest, abdomen and pelvis. This test isn't as long, but was more "telling" to me. I am, of course, concerned about my cancer spreading more or growing in my liver. Thankfully I found out that all of the tumors in my liver (and all over) have shrunk substantially, like half to more of the size! That is amazing news!! I'm so happy! Everything is working!
So why do I not feel as happy as I should? I have waves of COMPLETE happiness, where I want to go tell everyone that this is happening, tell everyone I'm so close to being done and keep being positive. But I definitely don't always feel that way and I hate that... I feel frustrated that this isn't completely gone.
I'm still stuck in this world where I wish I could rewind time and make this NOT happen. Although I usually make this seem like it's a walk in the park, it's not. It's a shitty mental game that you constantly play. I always ask myself why can't I just "do better" (as if this is my fault)? Why can't this just be cured? I'm doing everything I can. But that isn't how this works and I think THAT is what drives me crazy.
All of this is out of my control and I'm starting to get pissed that I can't control this and make it better. I have off weeks where I just am not as happy as I should and this is one of them, which is funny because I should be SO excited this week of all weeks. I think that I'm stressing myself out even more when I realize I'm not as grateful as I "should be".
That being said, I am NOT taking this for granted and I am so relieved that this is working. I still have an amazing support system who is always here to lift me up when I'm down and I have amazing doctors who are so supportive of me! My job is still going so well and I'm headed to California tomorrow! Best believe I'm finally having my drinks and treating myself like the princess I am! (lol, kidding, kinda...)
This is weird... Maybe I just needed to write this all down because as I'm writing this closing, I feel so grateful and lucky to be going through such success. I will eventually be cured but it isn't realistic to happen in one round of treatment.
Thanks for joining me on this rollercoaster of a post!! Wooo!
To kicking cancers ass and KNOWING this is working! F ya!
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